This topic has been on my mind for a while, and I have been meaning to write about it for some time now.
I realize that we can all be our own worst enemies in how we treat ourselves. Some of the sweetest and nicest and best people I know (that would never say anything but constructive things about and to other people) say or listen to some of the meanest things about themselves. And I don't think that's cool. So I'm just going to briefly talk about things that you can do to combat this in your own lives.
#1: Stop, Drop and Roll
When you hear or feel or say something to yourself that is negative, you need to stop, drop and roll. First, stop those thoughts. You need to shut them up immediately! Then you need to drop those thoughts. Rebuke them as untrue. Say in your head, "That's a lie." I know, for some of us, it might seem very unnatural. Maybe because we think that these thoughts are true, but take it from me, they are lies and should be treated with the same vitriol and disdain as you would treat the foulest stench. Then you need to roll. Roll away from them in the other direction. If the thought comes to you that you are stupid, roll in the other direction. Say, "I am smart."
You might be thinking, "But Kim, these thoughts are true. They come up when I mess up or do something wrong, so I shouldn't redirect them." I realize that everyone is not perfect. Sometimes we mess up, say something we shouldn't have said, or do something we shouldn't have done. But there is a difference between making a mistake, and being something. Some of the things you might say to yourself are: "I'm a loser. I'm a mean person. I'm ugly. I'm bad." However, if you do something wrong, you should say something like, "I made a mistake. I'm still learning. I did not choose correctly. I need to watch myself better in the future."
It's like when I was first injured. I had no problem saying that I was paralyzed, but I had a huge problem referring to myself as a quadriplegic. One thing was just an adjective, paralyzed, but the other was a noun, quadriplegic. It was something that I was, and it took a long time to accept that noun. But you need to do the reverse. You are learning. Rephrasing your mistakes as learning experiences will be beneficial to you. Characterizing your mistakes as your identity is not beneficial in any way.
#2: Make confirmation bias work for you
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| Save the good things you do. Throw the bad things away into the trash. |
Another reason it is important to stop this negative self talk is because it has a capacity to exert power over our lives. Have you ever bought a new car or a new pair of shoes, and then all of the sudden you see the same car or the same pair of shoes everywhere you look? And you think "Suddenly, there are a lot of people with my same car or shoes!" Well, that wasn't the case. There were lots of people driving your car or wearing your shoes before, but you just never focused on it, so you never noticed it. And once you noticed it, you saw it everywhere.
The same thing goes for what we say to ourselves. If what we say to ourselves is negative, we will have a tendency to only notice the negative things that we do to confirm our belief. However, if what we say to ourselves is positive, we will find all the many ways that we are good people. I have a tendency to overdo it a little bit on this, because I'm constantly noticing all the wonderful things I do, because that's where my focus is. I just feel like I'm a good person, worthwhile, and that I am a being who was intentionally made by a perfect and loving God. Negative self talk precludes you from noticing the good things that you do in your life. And then you overemphasize everything bad you do. And that just makes you feel worse. And why would you want to feel worse?
#3 Be your own best friend
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| This is a picture of a girl looking at her reflection in a mirror. |
I read this story online somewhere, but I can't find it again, so I'm going to tell what I can remember. A girl named Debbie goes on a date that doesn't go particularly well. She's feeling pretty badly about herself when she gets home, and then she calls her best friend Nadine. Nadine says, "It's probably because you are ugly, overweight and boring. I don't even know why you try. No one would ever want to be with you." That's how the story goes, but the twist is that Nadine isn't the one telling her this. It's what Debbie tells herself in her head. The moral is this: if it's not something that you would tell your best friend or partner or someone you really love, it's not something you should tell yourself.
I'm good at friendshiping because I'm friends with myself. I take the time to get to know myself, and I am quite delightful. I listen to myself, and I make sure to only say nice things to and about myself. When you enjoy who you are, others will also enjoy you more. And if you're thinking to yourself that you are not enjoyable, it's because you don't know yourself very well. I've never met a human who lacked delightful qualities, and I believe we all deserve to enjoy who we are. I like that Miley Cyrus wrote that song about buying herself flowers. We all should be able to love ourselves more than someone else can.
#4 Remember Who You Are
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It is deeply ingrained within myself that I hail from royalty. I know that I am a daughter of God without a shadow of any doubt in my mind, body and soul. And this gives me a wonderful sense of purpose, confidence, and allows me to feel my worth. I realize that you might not understand your position in the universe as such, since my readership comes from a variety of belief systems. Perhaps you might feel as strongly as I do that you do not come from the same place. I find it a little sad, but this is not the only way that we can understand how important we are.
The only reason that you are here right now is because of your ancestors. Hundreds and thousands of people had to get together to form you. You are the result of thousands and thousands of humans enduring traumas, conquering illness, making it to breeding age, finding a mate, and living enough to pass on their DNA to you. Within you right now, is the DNA of your forebears. Their strength and resilience and endurance lives on through you. It's almost impossible to think of, but it's true. So many things had to happen for you to be there, and they all did. It's a miracle, and it behooves us to understand our lives as such.
If you are lucky enough to be a parent, your DNA will course through to the next generation. There will be other people who owe their existence to your choices. If you are not a parent, like me, your influence will be what you leave behind. I do my best everyday so what I am leaving behind is a legacy of kindness, integrity and meaning. So regardless of how you believe, you can understand your position on this planet right now as meaningful and important. It didn't happen accidentally, and you have a chance to live on through your progeny or through your influence, or both.
In conclusion, I hope that you understand that you are a worthwhile and important person. If you do not feel as such, remember my four-step plan: stop, drop and roll; make confirmation bias work for you; be your own best friend; and remember who you are.
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