Growing up in the 80s was really hard for someone with farsightedness. I looked like an alien with my gigantic glasses, and my eyes were so magnified, it looked like I could see the future. If you don't believe me, please check out Exhibits A and B below.
I had relatively few friends in elementary school, being awkward and feeling subdefective. Middle school, shockingly, did not provide me with any relief. I was made fun of for my awkwardness, for my glasses, for my clothes, and for any other reason cruel tweenagers could think up. At the end of eighth grade, when I moved to a different city, I hadn't really left behind a single friend.
If this sounds pathetic, it's because it kind of is. However, despite being the social pariah I was, I had a secret weapon: I knew who I was. I knew I was better than I was being treated. I knew I was special. I knew I was unique in a beautiful and worthwhile way. There was no mistaking the feeling in my heart: I was infinite.
High school was so much better for me. I had a lot of fun and made a lot of friends. In elementary school and middle school, I seemed paralyzed by the idea of what others thought of me. In high school, I knew that I could move about confidently, without a care of what people thought, really. Because I felt empowered that I could rewrite my life story at that point, I didn't let people mistreat me. And knowing how the underdog felt, I was driven to be as inclusive and compassionate as possible.
However, after my accident, which paralyzed me from my shoulders down, I felt a lot differently. I felt vulnerable and alone. Even though I had faith that everything would work out, I spent a lot of time feeling like I wasn't good enough, or that what had happened to me was because of something that I did. I felt I had lost a huge part of who I was, and I struggled to gain that back.
At first, I didn't really understand how I could feel better about myself. I felt like I was ugly and unwanted. However, my younger siblings started collecting Pokémon cards. I started to collect them as well. In order to feel a little better about myself, I would actually physically keep my collection with me, to make me feel cool. I know it sounds stupid, but it actually helped. I also got an eBay account online and began making purchases. Because I was so good at buying things on eBay, buyers left me a lot of nice, positive feedback. When I was feeling down about myself, I would look at my eBay feedback to feel better about myself.
In the movie The Never-Ending Story, Southern Oracle scientist Engywook, tells Falcor the Luck Dragon that when confronted with their true selves, most men run away screaming¹. However, I maintain that the reverse is possibly true. We are beings of infinity, having limitless worth and never ending potential. If we saw our true selves, we might run away screaming, but because we can't quite wrap our minds around who we really are – true royalty.
Mufasa, from The Lion King, expounds: "Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. […] Remember who you are. You are my son and the one true king. Remember who you are."² Likewise, we are more than what we have become, and we need that reminder of who we are – sons and daughters of a King. If you don't subscribe to that notion, fear not. You can still feel like royalty, by getting in touch with that core of your personality.
Perhaps good old Dr. Seuss says it better, "Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You!"³ Like I struggled to feel like myself again after my accident, perhaps you are struggling to figure it all out. For a time, I think it's okay to lean on superficial things like Pokémon collections and eBay feedback. Sometimes, when I'm feeling down, I like taking personality tests online that tell me how awesome I am. However, when I feel at my most empowered, I feel closer to my true self. Feeling that empowerment means that you need to be reaching to your very soul to feel that thing inside you that radiates love and charity toward yourself and our fellow imperfect humans. If you can't feel it immediately, you don't need to worry. You will feel it if you keep on trying. Like Jimmy Eat World sings, "Live right now. Just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else."4
I know we are here for a reason. When others are lifting, it lifts me. When others are lifting, it lifts the whole of humanity. You are here because there is something that only you can do the way that you can do it, and no one else could ever take your place to fulfill your purpose in the same way. I know this with all of my heart. What I love about repentance is that it isn't just wiping away everything and giving us a clean slate. It wipes away our mistakes, but the good things that we have done will always stand as a witness that we are good, worthwhile and divine.
We have a power for real good in this world. In my previous post5, I outline what has worked for me in feeling happy. At the core of what we should be doing is letting our inner light feed everything we do – choosing happiness, being grateful, serving others, being nonjudgmental, and being forgiving. I feel, at the core of who I am, is a profound connection not only to what I believe to be my divine heritage, but to every human who has ever lived and who will ever live. Embracing the truth that we need each other in a profound and life-giving way will lift you.
Loving and appreciating your life will help fuel you toward your purpose. It will make it easier to choose happiness. It will make serving others, being grateful and nonjudgmental second nature. Our spirits automatically want to do this, but sometimes we hold ourselves back with self-doubt and selfishness. You are an infinite being! Love it! I have a testimony that we are children of a loving God. If I know nothing else, I know that. Believing that you are more than what you are, that you have a unique purpose and that you are energy that can never die will propel you forward in your life! It's taken me from a lonely, bug-eyed child to a confident young woman. It's taken me from a confused and insecure newly paralyzed quadriplegic and transformed me into the person I am today!
1 http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Neverending-Story,-The.html
2 https://youtu.be/webd8-P05p8?t=1m
3 https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/3160-today-you-are-you-that-is-truer-than-true-there
4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FV-HPOHu8mY
5 https://konnektedtwin.blogspot.com/2017/04/is-being-happy-really-choice.html
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